mama ponderings: excerpt from my journal

12-22-10
Wednesday morning

Right now enjoying Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack & Ransom's wakeful stretching. He's on a blanket on the floor.
Drinking a little coffee (again!...didn't care for it during pregnancy). Read Psalm 30 & texted Isaiah 12:6 to AJ:

Shout and sing for joy
O inhabitant of Zion,
for great in your midst is the
Holy One of Israel.

Lately Andrew has told me he is eager for his band to play music together again because he has the desire to shout from the rooftops again, to do shows. He told me this on Monday night when he & I had a Starbucks date while mom watched Ransom. We read Isaiah 12 then & I thought this verse was a good one for AJ.
The boy got restless so he's in my lap now, wide eyed & watchful as Fur Elise plays on the CD.


I love kissing his wrinkly worry lines on his forehead. And I LOVE when his eyes are open & he's aware! And when he's cuddly!
Last night AJ, mom, Ransom and I went to the church so AJ could practice the music he's doing for a special on Sunday (my birthday!). The song is an instrumental Carol of the Bells/God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen song. It sounded GOOD. And it was Ransom's first time hearing a live band. I'm not sure if he liked it because he was a little fussy that time of night, but there were moments he appeared to be taking it in.


This is a precious morning, enjoying & holding & watching & kissing my son.
I've taken to calling him "sweetie pie". May need to find a more masculine term of endearment for when he grows up.
Mom says he has a sweet spirit.
He responds to music! To singing: me singing "Jesus Loves Me" & "Ransom, little Ransom" to the tune of my song & "Goodnight little Ransom Goodnight" or AJ singing "Count Your Blessings", the song from White Christmas. Or mom playing the piano; that won her over, his liking her piano playing!
Oh and he smiles! Don't know if he knows what he's doing, but I love it just the same! He has his daddy's dimples!

the joke's on me: the nesting to do list that never got a chance

For posterity's sake & for a laugh to look on later, here's the nesting list I wrote on November 28, days before our baby made his early debut & made it obselete. The ones in red are items I think I finished before Ransom was born, the ones in green are items that were finished afterwards, and the ones in black are what are still to be tackled:

clean bathrooms
play the piano
AJ's clothes in bedroom
find place for crafty stuff
work request for Willy-garbage disposal, spot in ceiling
banners in living room
paintings in closet
kitchen corner-clean up!
make waffles & freeze them
pregnancy pics with AJ
finish recording
finish getting Christmas gifts together
box to Goodwill
prewash cloth diapers
figure out line dry system for diaper covers
get matresses for company to use
spice shelf-finish & put up
read Isaiah
take recycling to Fred Meyer
dust
finish packing bag for hospital (as we were hastily leaving after my water broke)
make Jamie Oliver's sourdough bread
make Jamie Oliver's banana honey bread
tour of hospital
take care of pumpkins
make granola
paint toenails
get all thank you notes finished
organize recipes
put ultrasound pics in baby photo album

a son!

I've been a little busy lately & have not had the time on hand to liberally blog & post photos of our baby boy Ransom. He was born fifteen days before his due date. On Thursday night we were watching It's a Wonderful Life, when Andrew started getting excited (about what, he didn't know, but he felt anticipation for something, "as if Christmas was the next day") and my water broke, but I didn't realize it till the movie was over & I went to the bathroom. Even when I went to the bathroom, I wasn't sure my water had broke; we had to call a doctor to ask.

I had expected a little more nesting time so my suitcase for the hospital was not completely packed, I didn't have a birth plan written down, we had not yet toured the hospital, I hadn't painted my toenails yet (hey, that's an important one!), my mom wasn't in town yet, and there were several unfinished projects I'd hoped to work on, etc. We were thrust into parenthood earlier than we expected but I see God's timing in it & felt Him working through the labor & delivery & the events afterward.

At the hospital it was confirmed that my water had broken & that in order to avoid infection I'd have to deliver the baby within a certain time window. My contractions were five or so minutes apart & I was dialating slowly so I was allowed to rest during the night & to get labor going I was given pitocin at 6 a.m. as well as a sedative that knocked me out till 8 a.m. (it was blissful rest, indeed) when I started having harder contractions. I was able to walk the halls a little, I labored on a birthing ball & in a jacuzzi but after awhile the contractions were hitting me one intense one after another intense one after another one with hardly any break. I was getting discouraged because whenever the nurse checked my progress, my cervix seemed to be dialating slowly. AJ was with me the whole time, allowing his hand to be death gripped by me whenever a contraction hit, offering me encouragement & comforting touches.

I had purposed in my heart (just like the way that phrase sounds right now) to get as far as I could without an epidural & then maybe getting one toward the end, hoping that would make for a quicker delivery. I got to that point, AJ told the nurse, and the anesthesiologist was SLOW in coming... I was trying to think kind thoughts and not mean ones about this anesthesiologist, hoping the pain would soon be over. And then my body had the urge to push. We told the nurse, who checked me & informed us that I had dialated to 9 3/4 cm. The doctor who was on call said I could start pushing to see if that gave me relief, or I could take the epidural (the lovely anesthesiologist had by now shown up). She, the doctor, also said that the epidural could slow things down but if I wanted to push, the baby could be here within the hour. I opted to push because it felt SO much better than riding through the contractions.



Ransom was born at 1:24 p.m. on December 3rd. Because of a new hospital policy, as soon as he came out he was placed directly on my bare chest, both of us covered with a blanket, to allow for bonding time between the two of us.

Bliss. Joy. Skin on skin. Praise Jesus for this policy!

Having been thrust into this parenting adventure so suddenly, I am thankful that there seemed to be a blanket of grace surrounding everything that happened, whether it was a helpful nurse, or a hospital policy that allowed for me to feel the feelings of being a mother immediately after having labored for our baby.

Andrew got his bonding time with Ransom too, taking off his shirt & cuddling Ransom for an hour with a blanket over them.

I know so many people were praying for us & I felt the influence of those prayers throughout the whole day. Thank you SO MUCH if you were one of those people!

The afternoon really is a perfect time to have a baby, I think, because the adrenaline hit me as soon as that little boy was placed in my arms & I was fresh as a daisy till 9 p.m. to take in all of the newness of him & to enjoy the visitors we had at the hospital.



He's four weeks old, will be a month old tomorrow & I can hardly believe it! Time has flown by. Will post more pictures soon.

ladybug on the tree

Because of the long weekend, we've been able to sleep in three days in a row & it's been DELIGHTFUL! With a baby bursting into our lives soon, I'm savoring the extra hours of sleep.

Yesterday we did some Christmas shopping, had a lunch date, and found a beautiful Douglas Fir to live in our home for the holidays. It smells nice and everygreen-y in our apartment now.

While Andrew was trimming the scraggly branches off the bottom of the tree, I saw this ladybug & had to take a picture of it before sending it to a new home outside (a bush; I didn't kill it).

Christmas is coming, and Ransom is coming sooner!

11.23.10:anniversary two

As you can see from the pictures, we awoke to a dusting of snow on the ground the morning of our second wedding anniversary. It was a present! It had snowed, briefly, on our wedding day, too, so I was enchanted!

Here we are, having just discovered it. I'm still wearing my pajamas!

The snow slowed the day down & Andrew had an extra hour before he had to drive to work, so I made oatmeal on the stove (not the microwave, for once!) and we busted out the Christmas music. Chicago's Christmas album, if you're curious. :) It's a tradition in Andrew's family & has become one in our little one, too.

Here are a couple of pictures of my commute to work. I had to take a couple of pictures to get the "11/23/10" on the little digital sign up at the front of the bus. This picture is the best of the ones I took.

It was, again, enchanting to see the snow covering everything but to still see colored leaves on some of the trees. I was so thankful for the bus system this day & that I didn't have to drive on the ice. Andrew ended up heading home after trying to drive to his job that day, but an hour later things had cleared up enough for him to get to work. That's what it's like here; the snow makes a fuss in the beginning of the day & then melts with hardly any remaining snow for the next day.

The evening of our anniversary we went out to eat (thanks, Mike & Gina, for the gift card!) and had a blast! We had a coupon & ordered an appetizer & were basically full before our meals arrived so we had LOTS of leftovers to take home! It was a luxury & we had such a fun time!

Happy anniversary to us. I love you Andrew J.

Dessert Date

In anticipation of the arrival of Ransom, Andrew & I have been thinking of things we'd like to do before he comes into our lives & what we can do now together before a babysitter is needed. A week or so ago we went out to dessert to a place we had always wanted to go to but had never gotten around to it.

We had a table near the window, which I loved because we could see the trees on the street that always have twinkle lights on in the evening. Ah... :)

I had a chocolate almond torte, and there was no dairy in it! It was very nutty & delicious, the kind of dessert you take a half hour to eat in between sips of tea & conversation, which we had a lot of.Andrew had a piece of chocolate coffee cake to go with his (according to him) very good coffee.
Another sweet memory with my best friend...the fact that this sort of date doesn't happen very often makes it all the more precious.

kairos moment

Wednesday on the bus I was on my way to my doctor's appointment & I had what Madeleine L'Engle calls a kairos moment. From what I remember from Walking on Water, this sweet book she wrote about creativity & being a Christian, kairos is a moment outside of normal time, chronos. It's a moment of realization, where things seem more real, more of what they really are meant to be. This pops into my mind to explain kairos: as if for a moment the veil of the Shadowlands is taken away & a shimmer of a glimpse is permitted into the greater story being written.
On that crowded bus I was aware of the life inside of me, of the miracle that he is, and the intentional timing of God in bringing him into our lives. How thankful I am for our baby, for every movement he makes that reminds me of the MIRACLE he is!
Moments like this make me excited about living, about the story of beauty God is creating from our ashes.
After the kairos moment hit, I took some pictures of the things in my lap, wanting to remember what little interests are making up my life right now & to keep pictures of this season before Ransom comes. Wanting to remember the kairos, the particular lighting on the bus that day, etc.
By looking at what's in my lap here, and what I'm wearing, I am thinking of Laryn, the Vencills, Erin, Jessica, Moriah, mom & dad, my interest in cooking & sharing in the pleasure of old movies with AJ & our friend Tony.
I am looking forward to this business of living & to living past the Shadowlands!

Our front door

Following, is a glimpse of our front door for my dear family so they can visualize where we're bringing our baby home in a little less than a month, perhaps, if his December 18th due date is to be believed!


Bonus points to anyone who can guess what song the little bird is singing! Hint: a foreshadowing of the season to come... My family has an advantage; it's a song we sang together as a family in church one year.

a couple of good ones

Last weekend we went on a couples retreat with our church to Bend, Oregon. Such a pretty place! On Saturday night of the retreat we dressed up & chowed down on some soul food! Jambalaya!

And on Sunday we went to the farm with our friends Andrew & Coralie & their kids. We picked apples, chose a few pumpkins, sampled apple cider & cobbler, etc.

The charming apple picker.

Comparing sizes.

this morning

this morning

satisfying time spent with Andrew before work
he helped me find answers to my questions
didn't just write me off
another reason why I love him so!

in The Descent to Hell" Charles Williams's chapter
"The Doctrine of Substituted Love"
was very good
a hopeful light
in a so far ghostly book

encountered a lady on the bus
she gave me a new outfit for the baby
it says, "heaven sent"
she seemed heaven sent to me

walking from the bus stop to work
cloudy morning, which I love
passing the holly and the ivy...
remembering four part harmony singing
with my family

seeing a grey squirrel
makes me want to revisit
Beatrix Potter's "Squirrel Nutkin"
and other friends of hers

looking forward to this weekend
a retreat with my Andrew
and plans to pick apples and admire pumpkins with friends

I pass another walker and we smile
a mona lisa smile remains on my face
after we pass

crisp, autumn air
but it makes my face warm when I get inside
the chilly air was a relief
to my warm baby incubating body!


Ecclesiastes 9:7-9 (the Message)

Seize life! Eat bread with gusto,
Drink wine with a robust heart. (juice/tea/soymilk in my pregnant case!)
Oh yes—God takes pleasure in your pleasure!
Dress festively every morning.
Don't skimp on colors and scarves.
Relish life with the spouse you love
Each and every day of your precarious life.
Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange
For the hard work of staying alive.
Make the most of each one!

Camping

This Friday we went camping with others from our church & had a blast! I'm sorry to say it was our first camping trip being married and we're approaching two years of marriage! Being the daughter of my parents who met as counselors at a camp in Green Bay, Wisconsin, I am appaled at myself that this didn't happen sooner. However, it was lots of fun, we slept in a tent (I love tents!), our campsite was near a river, and we were well fed. (Thank you Raineys & Thomases & Sticklers & Townsends & Werners & Fultzes!) The pictures above are us with bikes that our friends Tim & Amy let us ride on. It was so fun! Another thing I haven't done in...ahem...years... And notice my belly. Twenty five weeks along & little Ransom is moving a lot!

Pearl & George

I opened my mailbox today & found a letter from my mom! Letters are my favorite.
Enclosed with the letter she sent me a picture of my grandparents, Pearl & George from the summer of 1941. I'd never seen the picture before but it is significant to me now especially because my grandma was pregnant with her first baby at the time this picture was taken. Jane was born on December 19 (the same month as the Pearl Harbor attack); our baby is due December 18 (what history makers will mark our time). It's a pleasure to be able to have this picture of my grandparents, getting a glimpse of them at this stage of their marriage on the brink of parenthood while AJ & I are at the same stage the summer before our baby is born.
My mom wrote, "You are at the same stage of pregnancy as she was--you the summer of 2010, she the summer of 1941--sixty-nine years apart. It makes you think about life--it rolls on and on controlled by God. It is beyond us..."

when do you feel most alive?

I've been going through this book called Expecting, which goes week by week through pregnancy & describes the baby's development & the development of the mom & there's a prayer that ties in to the week's developments & finally a page to briefly journal. I've been procrastinating with it, now being in my fifteenth week of pregnancy, so I am going back over the previous weeks & reading & praying what I've missed. Tonight I just finished week 6 & the journal question is: when do you feel most alive? I wrote:

"It always has something to do with the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it's celebrating-a wedding, a graduation, or watching spontaneous baptisms at church! Sometimes it's on a date with AJ when we really get to talking & merely holding hands is electrifying. Sometimes it's talking with a friend (like with Jamie last night) & hearing her stories of God's provision-I get such hope! Sometimes it's when I create-paint, cook. Sometimes it's when I'm on a walk & the breeze hits my face & the air smells like Michigan. Or in the summer when I've just gotten out of a lake & the sun warms me dry. Or when I finish reading something good, or experience something beautiful in an unexpected place. Like a cellist playing in the Portland airport as I wait for a flight."